Self-harm – what kept me from it

6. august 2017 at 18:30 | rainorchid |  prose
From the beginning of this week I felt a need to say something, something important. I wanted to inspire my readers to see the world more positively, but after I visited some blogs on this server, I saw many articles where the authors wrote about their painful life, self-harm, depression…

I realized that there is no meaning in writhing about how life is beautiful, because it is not! But at the same time it is not as bad as we often make it.

So now, I want to say just one thing - what we need to survive, to have the power to go forward, is a DREAM, that waits for us after the corner. Some realistic desire on which we can concentrate and which realization will become so important to us, that we will not let others get in it the way.

How this relates to self-harm? Easily, when we hurt ourselves, we give others around us power over us… they can judge us, gossip or proclaim that we are insane…

For me, one of the hardest times in my life, were when I was in elementary school. For an impartial observer it would have appeared that I had a good life. My parents loved me and they always tried to give me and my sister everything that we needed, despite the fact that we didn´t have much money. But I was bullied every day during that time. Not just in school, but also by the kids from our panel house. The reasons were different - I was ginger, or I didn´t have good enough clothes,… they always found something.

The only thing that kept me going was that it will end and I will go to high school. Nevertheless I often thought about suicide or self-harm, because I feared that elementary school will never end. Some times were very hard, but I never hurt myself, because I didn´t want to give others the power to take my dream. I didn´t cut myself, because I wanted to start all over in high school - to begin with a clean page - and I didn´t want some cuts on my wrists to become a problem in the P.E. classes.

Of course the dream would not have been enough without sport, which gave me an opportunity to discharge my depression. But for sure, having a dream is the basis - without that it would have been hard to keep going.
 

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